Randy Rhodes – Best comedian I have ever heard!

April 1, 2014

I can’t believe I didn’t who this dude was before this week! Holy christ he is funny as shit!

This morning he was talking about global warming and how some scientific group was totally right on about how it was going to cause us all to drown if we lived anywhere near the coast. He said this scientific group was 100% correct because they had won a NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!

That right there was the punch line. Remember how those fucknuts gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize a couple weeks after he had taken office in his first term. That right there told me that the Nobel peace prize was about as accurate as a retard with a broken calculator.

Anyway, I implore you to listen to this Randy Rhodes dude. He is funny as hell in the same vein as Phil Hendrie. He actually gets people calling in and agreeing with him about these totally absurd topics. He was goin on about Obamacare and how awesome it was and some woman call in and was agreeing like she believed it all. She had to be in on the gag because nobody is that stupid.

It’s been a long time since I had a post but between you and I, I just got tired of the bar scene in Frisco and was just sitting on my ouch thinking of new ways to get off. I promise I will be a little more active here now that I am back to my normal old self.

Peace out,

Mitch

Steve Jobs – dead from AIDS at 56

October 5, 2011

Steve Jobs, inventor of the gayest phone ever, died of AIDS today

No coincidence that the apple logo is the same as the queery rainbow flag

No coincidence here

The progression of iPhone gayness has stopped. I predicted this in my September 2010 post Steve Jobs has AIDS. There will be no iPhone 5 because Tim Cook is as straight as me.

All you faggots are now shit outta luck. You will have to learn how to use a heterosexual phone all over again and there is nothing you can do about it.

The parade of cell phone faggotry has ended.

Let me remind you all that I am not gay in any way, shape or form even though I jerk off to Tim Cook’s hairy asshole.

Sincerely,

Mitch Haase

Steve Jobs propositioning Eric Schmidt outside a Palo Alto coffee shop in 2010.

Steve Jobs propositioning Eric Schmidt outside a Palo Alto coffee shop in 2010.

Checking the Oil is 100% Hetero

February 26, 2011

Sexual battery charges have been filed against Preston Hill of Fresno for using a standard wrestling move called “checking the oil” or “butt drag” during high school PE class.

According to Fresno State wrestling coach Dennis DeLiddo:

“A butt drag isn’t sticking your finger up a guy’s rectum. That’d be counterproductive.”

How could it ever be counterproductive to stick your finger up a guy’s rectum, especially when wrestling?

 

My typical Friday night.  This is 100% hetero.

My typical Friday night. This is 100% hetero.

The butt drag is taught in all high school wrestling programs.

High school PE as I remember it

High school PE as I remember it

I don’t understand what all the fuss is all about, this does not look gay to me.

The butt drag, a standard wrestling move

The butt drag, a standard wrestling move

That wrestling coach in Fresno is probably a closeted homosexual and is afraid someone will notice the erection in his gym shorts.

There is nothing gay about wrestling

There is nothing gay about wrestling

UPDATE–Sexual battery charges have been dropped!

Preston Hill, 17, a senior at Buchanan High School near Fresno was charged with misdemeanor sexual battery after he allegedly inserted his fingers into a teammate’s anus during a wrestling practice last July. The 17-year-old’s father claimed his son had been taught the move, sometimes referred to as a “butt drag” or “checking the oil,” by the school’s wrestling coaches.

The TSA is a den of faggots

November 22, 2010
Business as usual at SFO

Business as usual at SFO

Let me start by saying that if anyone is going to grab my cock, it will be a woman.

Paying men to touch other men’s dicks is the very definition of a queer agenda.

The TSA is spending your tax dollars pushing faggotry and pederasty on decent, hard working heterosexuals like me.

Sincerely,

Mitch Haase

The future of airport security

The future of airport security

Steve Jobs has AIDS

September 29, 2010

Steve Jobs, inventor of the gayest phone ever, has AIDS:

Steve Jobs AIDS Test Results

HIV test results for Steve Jobs

That’s right faggots, Steve Jobs has AIDS and there is nothing you can do about it.

When Steve Jobs dies of AIDS, the progression of iPhone gayness will stop.  You will be shit outta luck when you have to learn how to use a heterosexual phone all over again.

I can’t wait until the parade of cell phone faggotry ends.

Sincerely,

Mitch Haase

Homosexual Apple Engineers

Typical day in Cupertino

Fighting or Fucking on account of 10 soups

August 11, 2010

This man speaks the distilled essence of life

“If a man borrows too much stuff and gets too far in debt,

either, you fight for it and let him know I’m not going to play you so me and you just gonna have to whup each other’s ass and we gonna go to lockup

or we gonna go back here and fuck, just however you wanna do it

that’s the way it works.

He might have borrowed 10 soups

and ended up fucking out his ass the rest of his life while he’s here

on account of 10 soups.”

Practical advice for anyone headed to prison

Jerking it in LA

July 20, 2010

What up my niggah’s? I’m in LA this week doing a little recon on the Hollywood scene. I used to come down here a lot when I had more time but sleeping until noon and then rubbing a dozen loads out during the course of the day doesn’t leave much time for traveling – or does it?

I jumped on a Southworst flight this morning and flew into LA. My buddy Peter who used to live in Frisco picked me up at the airport. Peter lives in a cool apartment just off Sunset next to a bar called Akbar. I thought it was a bar for Alaskan guys when I saw the sign but Peter says that they get a raging crowd every night of the week. Frisco only goes off on the weekends which makes me thing I should move down here.

We hung out at a place in Santa Monica called Roosterfish and sucked down a few cold ones. I was parched after my flight which included rubbing one out at 35,000 feet! FUCK YES! I blew my load all over the counter in the lavatory and left it there for some lucky lady. It wasn’t the first time I jerked of on a plane but it never gets old.

Peter wants to wait until midnight before we go down to Akbar. I’m drinking some strong coffee because I have a feeling that we are going to score with some chicks big time tonight. I love to bang LA bitches because they always scream like banshees when I fuck them. That’s cool with me because I love the feedback.

I’ll post more tomorrow after I wake up and let you fuckers know how I made out.

Later,

Mitch

The HTC Evo jackstand

July 13, 2010
Is this what I think it is or does my phone have a boner?

Is this what I think it is or does my phone have a boner?

The HTC Evo jackstand in action

The HTC Evo jackstand in action

That’s right masturbators, the new HTC Evo has a built-in jackstand!

This leaves no doubt that the designers at HTC are avid masturbators and probably flaming homosexuals to boot.

The jackstand is the greatest cell phone innovation since the iPhone. This is ironic, considering Steve Jobs is dying of AIDS, a homosexual’s disease.

Sincerely,
Mitch Haase

It is 100% hetero to have men in your spank bank

July 12, 2010
Fake Plastic Asses

Fresh out of the box, my fake plastic asses

That’s right bitches, it is TOTALLY STRAIGHT to jerk it to men.

As long as I don’t take another dude’s cock in my mouth or up my sweet virgin ass, I am fine.

I’ve been catching a lot of shit lately from a lot of people, they accuse me of being a homo but they don’t know shit.  I have never been a gay man, not even in college.  Fuck you for even thinking that I might.

My fake plastic asses finally arrived so I’m going to cut this short and get to some simulated rectal exam solo ass play.

Sincerely,

Mitch Haase

Fuck all you faggots, I am straight

July 11, 2010

That’s right homos, I am a straight man and there is nothing you can do about it.

My ass is as virgin as the driven snow.  My cock has seen miles of pussy and you wish it was yours.

San Francisco is a den of faggotry and I thank Zeus every morning that I am as straight as Tom Cruise.

Fuck you all and suck my ass.  I am going out to dinner at Mecca, which is a restaurant for straight men.  Last time there was a homo in that place he had his ass beaten and dragged down Castro street.  Of course the gullible Castro queers thought it was an S & M display and laughed their asses off.  Dipshits.

Later,

Mitch

On-demand rectal exam!

July 10, 2010
Pocket Rectal Exam!

This will keep me busy all weekend!

Holy shit masturbators, this is exactly what I’ve been looking for!

As you know, I love giving and receiving rectal exams, which is not gay in any shape or form.  This plastic ass will give me satisfaction whenever I need it, which will be nice because it can be god damn difficult to find other dudes who are straight and into rectal exams.

I ordered two of these because I wanted to make sure I had a spare in case this one breaks.

Time to hit my favorite tranny bar, The Gang Way on fabulous Market Street in San Francisco.  If I don’t have any luck finding straight men to give and receive rectal exams with, maybe this plastic ass will be waiting in my mailbox when I get home!

Pete Stark grabbed my ass!

June 30, 2010

This perverted old fuck came on to me like an chickenhawk and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I was shoving him away and he kept grabbing at me like a kid trying to get a piece of candy. I didn’t know who he was until a friend of mine told me but goddamn it he has no right to grab my junk the way he did.

Goddamn it’s fucking early

June 8, 2010

My fucking faggot neighbors woke me up with screaming and assfucking sounds at FIVE FUCKING AM!

What the hell is wrong with these people. I could care less if you are a faggot who needs to get some assfucking in before work but DON’T FUCKING SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHILE YOU ARE GETTING YOUR ASSHOLE REAMED OUT BY YOUR BOYFRIEND. These inconsiderate fucking people are still going at it as I post this which tells me that the little bitch taking it in the ass must be stretched out like a San Francisco city supervisor. Who the fuck can go at it for a fucking HOUR! The last bitch I tagged in the ass had me sucked dry in less than 30 seconds.

Since I am up so early I am going to try something special today. I am not going to jerk off until noon and when I do jerk off at noon, I am going to do it at the windmill in GG park. The windmill is a cool place to meet up with other guys who like to jerk off in public. I think a lot of them are homeless because they smell like decaying fecal matter and stale urine but I kind of like that smell. I like the smell of skunks too because it reminds me of good Humboldt green.

On a side note, I was out last night and saw this chick in a bar in Noe Valley and she was running around in just her bra and a short skirt!. I was getting pretty fucked up and was going to try and hit it but another dude beat me to it. It’s just as well because I would have had to buy her breakfast and drive her home and I hate that shit. I just want to blow my load and go to sleep and have them gone in the morning, hopefully without my wallet.

Helen Thomas – GTFO!

June 8, 2010

Thank god this bitter old cunt has been fired. If there was ever anyone who deserved it more it was Helen Thomas. They ought to strip her of any award she has ever won and if she has a pension, she ought to lose that too. This fucking old hag deserves to burn in hell for eternity.

Something that I haven’t heard anyone mention yet is her similarity to Herbert on Family Guy. Just wanted to say that I am the first to bring this up.

And yes, I did jerk off today. Five times. Three times onto the sidewalk below my front room window. Twice onto Bob Bechels face on the TV.

Later,

Mitch

Greetings My Frisco Bitches!

June 7, 2010

It’s been a long weekend and I was busy blowing loads all over town.

Friday morning I started my annual weekend festivities by heading over to Cafe Flore on Market and 16th and had brunch. I love the copper top tables they have because I have an erotic copper fetish. I think it started when I used to jerk off with penny rolls but that’s another story for another time.

I finished my brunch and left the cafe with a raging hardon that I knew had to be taken care of immediately. I jumped on the first Muni bus to come by and took a seat in the rear and immediately whipped out my cock and started to beat it into submission. Only after I really started getting into it did I notice a fugly gook woman watching me like she had never seen anyone jerking off on a bus before. I moved to the other side of the bus and she got the hint and turned around.

It wasn’t more than a minute or so and I blew my load all over the back of the seat in front of me, slapped my cock on the seat back to knock of the residual cum and put it back in my pants. I got off at the next exit.

This is where the photo above coming into play. I was adjusting my cock in my pants and this guy comes up to me and asks me if I want to smoke a joint so I say yeah I want to smoke a fucking joint and I follow him to an open door and up a flight of stairs to his flat. I go in and sit down on this disgusting plaid couch and he comes walking back into the room dressed in black underwear with a fat fucking joint in his hand. We light up and he tells me his name is Fred and he wants to show me something.

I think that I know where this is going and he tells me to follow him into the other room and I come through the door and he’s laying on the bed with all of these toy guns and a couple real ones. I tell him that I have to take his picture and he goes OK so I took a few. He started rubbing his dick  but the guns and the smell of the bedroom were too much for me and I had to leave. I thanked him for the joint and left.

Once I was back on the street I headed down to a corner store and bought a 40. It was friday and my whole weekend was ahead of me and I sipped that tasty malt liquor and pondered my next session. Should I blow a load in the bay or should I blow a load here in the Castro?

I’ll tell you more later.

Mitch

Obama Fooled Me Again!

May 10, 2010

So I woke up a few minutes ago with my dick in my hand and went over to the computer to find some porn to get busy with. When my screen came up it was on Drudgereport.com and I saw this bastion of masculinity and decided to look no farther for my morning encouragement. I was almost there and then I saw the pearl necklace and realized that this wasn’t a dude! I stopped immediately and read the article that it went to and goddamn if I hadn’t been fooled again! The first time this happened was when Janet Napolitano first came in to the news.

WTF is it with Obama and these burly women who look like dudes? I mean seriously? These women that Obama appoints all look like fucking Charles Bronson if you ask me.

And that gives me a good idea who to jerk off to this morning. Charles Bronson get ready for a load of Mitch!

Later,

Mitch

UPDATE: After jerking it twice to Charles Bronson in Chato’s Land I went back to the photo of the “man” above and managed to rub one out without too much trouble. I am going to try it again before I go out tonight and may go with the jar of peanut butter method and see how that works. I don’t think I’ll bother with using any more of Obama’s manlike appointments to jerk it to unless Rahm comes up by accident. He’s actually a little too effeminate for me.

Bob Beckel is my New Cum Target

May 6, 2010

Bob Beckel, my masturbatory obsession

Bob Beckel is my new obsession. I don’t know where this pudgy teddy bear has been all my life but I know about him now. I spent most of the night jerking it to pictures of Bob Beckel and I am going to spend all day doing the same. Something about this guy just gives me a boner and I have to stop whenever I’m doing, lube up my cock and go to town.

I love his voice. I love his chubby looks. I love his lips that I would happily insert my cock into. I am not gay and letting Bob Beckel suck my dick doesn’t make me gay so fuck you haters. I just think Bob would look even better with loads of my cum splattered across his chubby cheeks.

Call me Bob, I will be waiting.

Later,

Mitch

Blowing Loads on Mexican Protesters

May 1, 2010

Today is the big Mexican immigration protests that are supposed to be going on around the country and I am ready to do my part. I am in LA visiting some old friends from SF Jacks and they live right where the big LA protest marchers are supposed to gather.

Yes, you know where I am going with this. We are going to hang out on the roofs, jerk off and blow our loads on the protesters. If they want to live here so bad then they can take a sperm shower courtesy of ME and my friends.

This is a large movement in the US and there will be thousands of guys jerking off on these Mexicans today all over the country. I am so sick of these little fucks demanding their rights as illegal immigrants that I am ready to fucking puke. No make that ready to blow my load on their heads.

Go pick my corn and STFU you mexican bastards. Get ready for your cum shower assholes.

Later,

Mitch

UPDATE!!!!

Just wanted to let everyone know that it was a VERY successful day of gravity enabled cumshots. There were about 20 of us on the roof and though there weren’t that many mexicans out protesting where we were at in LA we managed to blow loads on at least 50 of those ungrateful fuckers. All in all it was a great day and I made a lot of new buddies.

Immigration and Masturbation

April 29, 2010

Having lived in San Francisco for over ten years I would like to say that this city can suck the shit directly from my ass.

I say this because of the fucking retards in city government in this city that are screaming to boycott Arizona because of the AZ immigration bill. AZ should be able to do anything they want to protect their citizens and Gavin Newsom and his retarded board of supervisors need to STFU! If they felt so bad for the poor illegals, they should offer to take all 440,000 of the illegals in AZ and set them up in SF but I don’t see them doing that, do you? They are a bunch of hypocrites, losers and cocksuckers. Literally. Half the board of supervisors spend most of their free time sucking dick and taking it up the ass. I know this because a lot of them frequent SF Jacks and do a lot of their cocksucking and assfucking on the premises. It used to be a cool place to hang out and jerk off but once these fucking political scumbags started hanging out it totally ruined the scene. It’s one thing if someone wants to give you a reacharound because they want to get you off that’s one thing but doing it just to get your vote is sleazy and lurid.

Go AZ and kick those fucking spics back across the border into Mexico. They’re ruining this country almost as bad as the SF board of supervisors and Gavin Newsom.

I think I’m going to go and blow a load on the steps of City Hall tonight.

This Toy Ball is MINE!

April 26, 2010

I am as straight as the next guy here in Frisco but I do like a little gayness when I jerk off as my regular readers know. This brings me to today’s post.

Being unemployed has it’s perks especially in the entitlement heavy enclave of Frisco. This environment not only allows me to sleep in every day of the week but also allows me plenty of time to jerk off and train my asshole to accept large objects. Thank you San Francisco!

I’ve been working on this damn ball for weeks now and finally managed to get it up my ass this morning. Thank god I had a camera handy to record this occasion. It took a lot of crisco and a combination of photos of Jerry Gonzalez and internet gay porn to get this past my tight sphincter. Well, it was tight at one time and now it’s getting as loose as Barney Franks ass I would think. Anyway, I got this damn ball up there and am now working on getting it out. I know it will just come shooting out like a ping pong ball from a Thai hookers pussy eventually and I am just enjoying the stretched feeling it’s been giving me for the last few hours.

This accomplishment calls for a celebration so after I get it out I am headed over to Jason’s place and we’re riing out bikes down to the Castro for some food and drinks.

I am BACK and ready to PARTAY!

April 21, 2010

I haven’t been taking my blogging duties very seriously this year and for that I have to apologize.What I have been taking seriously is jerking off and for that I say “Fuck you sir!”

So my weeks have been pretty busy lately. I have been getting up at noon and starting my days off like an unemployed slacker which is exactly what I am these days. I thought Barack Obama was going to change that but so far that good for nothing, shit eating fuck hasn’t done a goddamn thing besides fucking over our country. And I actually voted for him but I sure as fuck won’t be voting for him in 2012.

Enough about that Obama fuck and back to jerking off. So I have recently gotten into jerking off on rooftops thanks to my good friend Jason. He introduced me to rooftop masturbation while we were out on a bike ride. We had been in the Haight smoking dope in the Panhandle and decided to ride over Clayton and into the Castro for a beer. I can’t hang in the Haight for too long because I can’t stand dirty hippy stank. Those fuckers always smell like urine and sweat and it makes me want to puke.

Jason and I rode over Clayton and dropped into the Castro and stopped by his buddy’s place for a few drinks and poppers. I think his buddy might be gay. Jason grabs me and says, “Let’s go to the roof.” with that smile I have come to know as meaning lets jerk our penises off.

I hadn’t jerked off on a roof so this was new to me and I was sporting wood by the time we got to the roof. Jason whipped out a tub of Anal-Eze (no shit it’s really called that but it works great for jerking off) and we both lubed up our penises and started stroking. I hadn’t jerked off in a couple hours by then and I was ready to blow in about ten strokes. I decided to go to the edge of the roof and blow my load over the edge and onto the sidewalk below. What a rush! I was just about to let loose when I heard people screaming and clapping on the sidewalk below. I looked down and immediately blew my load down on to them and they didn’t even get out of the way! WTF? One guy actually tried to catch some of my load in his mouth and another guy licked some of it off the mailbox.

Fucking weirdos. Only in Frisco. I wish I had a picture but I didn’t have my camera with me so I am posting a photo that I like to jerk off to.

Goddamn what happened to this year?

March 31, 2010

First off I want to reiterate that I am not GAY in any way. You horny bastards who keep writing me and requesting that I stick my cock in your ass or open up my ass for your cock are FUCKING NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING FROM ME!

Now that I have that out of the way I just want to let everyone know what I have been doing for the last few weeks. I have been practicing for the Masturbate-a-Thon. After a poor showing last year – I blew my load much sooner than I wanted, I am in serious training.

Part of my training consists of watching Andy Griffith re-runs and switching to porn during the commercials. I try to rub one out during the commercial time and when I am just about to blow my load I switch back to Andy Griffith and slowly jerk off until the next commercial.I think that this will give me an edge except I have to be careful when there is an episode with Floyd the Barber because he gets my juices flowing if you know what I mean.

I have also been spending a lot of time in Golden Gate Park and jerking off with guys who are also training. We have a good understanding and nobody crosses the line even when we are drinking. I try to blow at least two loads in the park every day.

Speaking of blowing loads in the park, I am late for my morning training.

Later,

Mitch

Just blew a load out my window

February 16, 2010

I don’t have much to say today other than I just blew a load out my front window and on to the windshield of a parked car. I hate that car because it’s been parked there for the last two days and hasn’t moved. WTF is wrong with these people anyway?

I have no idea what I am going to do today but I know that it’s going to involve blowing another load or two before lunch. I might go down to the Castro to grab a bite to eat and that always means that I’ll rub at least one out on the way over there. I like to take the Muni K/T down there because it drops me off not far from the theatre and all of the good restaurants though today I want to try out Squat & Gobble on 16th. The name cracks me up because all I can think of is a hot chick squatting and gobbling my knob which I’m sure is why they named it that.

I am not gay!

February 9, 2010

It doesn’t matter where I woke up this afternoon, I AM NOT GAY!

That is all.

Mitch

This is My Waterloo

February 5, 2010

As most of you know, I can blow a load just walking on a slanted sidewalk but I have met my match. This fucking beast has been the only thing that has ever made my cock go as limp as an overcooked piece of angel hair pasta.

I watched Jersey Shore or whatever the fuck it’s called over at a friends house and they dared me to rub one out to this Snookie beast. Always one for a challenge I took the bet and put some money on it figuring it would be an easy five bucks. No sooner than I started to whip out my dick it became obvious that this wasn’t going to be happening. My fucking cock decided to play turtle on me and disappeared into it’s © groincave and wouldn’t come out for anything.

I’d sooner fuck a stray dog with rabies than this Snookie beast.

Fuck me!

This is How I Roll

February 4, 2010

If I had total control over my looks this is how I imagine I’d look like. Think of the possibilities.

On another note I jerked off four times today. I was going through my Tivo and for some fucking reason Rosie O’Donnell was taped. I like as much gayness as the next guy but Rosie if far too masculine for my taste. But for some reason I felt compelled to watch and before I knew it I had a chubby and the urge to rub one out yet it was Rosie on the screen. One thing led to another and I jammed my hand into the commercial tin of Crisco I keep next to my couch and went to town. Now before some of start to wonder what the fuck I was thinking keep in mind that this was my first cockflog of the day so I could have jerked it to a nun and been through in 30 seconds.

Watching Rosie on the screen I began to imagine her as a man which wasn’t too much of a stretch. From the stubble on her chin to her mannish features she could easily pass for a fat dude. She kind of reminds me of Jerry Gonzalez with hair. I’m not into the bear scene but like I said, it was my first cockflogging on the day. It took longer than I thought but I managed to nut in about 90 seconds and blew my load out my front window on to the sidewalk. I dig blowing my load into the air and watching it fall and splat.

It’s now 2PM or so and I’ve nutted three more times and I think I’m going to go for a before dinner yank. Anyone have any suggestions on what I should use or what I should blow my load on?

Later,

Mitch

Goddamn it’s Fucking February Already!

February 1, 2010

What the fuck happened to January? I feel like someone slipped me some roofies after new years and I just woke up.

Part of my New Years Resolution for 2010 is to get really creative on the first of the month and jerk off in a really big way. This morning I did just that.

I always keep a tub of Crisco on hand because you never know when you’re going to need some emergency lube. I score with so many chicks in Frisco that are into buttsex that I would go broke buying AnalEze and Crisco works just as well and is much cheaper.

So I broke out my trusty bat I bought a couple years ago and hadn’t used for anything other than threatening my old roommate for rent money and put it to good use. I was a little worried about splinters and thought about puttng a condom on the end but then thought what the fuck and started working it in.

This was working for my but them I saw a roll of duck tape on the floor that I used to quiet some horny old broad who was too noisy (and too hairy if you ask me) and started wrapping it tight around my cock and balls. This was a weird feeling for me but I got into it and blew a load that shot across the room and hit the window dead center.

Now for the bad news. Getting the duck tape off was FUCKING PAINFUL! I didn’t think about this part when I was wrapping it around my cock. It took off all of the hair on my balls and a little skin too. I don’t think I’ll be jerking off for a couple days until I scab over and heal.

I Blew a Load into the San Francisco Bay

January 29, 2010

I spent most of today cruising around the city looking for a job. I got laid off a while back and damn is it hard to find something these days.

I spent most of the day in Noe Valley and the Castro stopping in a few bars for drinks and shooting the shit with the rest of the unemployed assholes around town.

Once it started to get close to 3pm I popped my mid afternoon boner and had to do something about it. I thought about going into a porno theatre but blowing a load in there is so played out. Sure, you have the glory holes in some of them and that can be fun but I really just needed to get a hand on things if you know what I mean.

I found myself at the ferry terminal and got on one of the Red & White fleet boats and made my way to the back. The weather kept most everyone inside so I had the rear deck to myself. I unzipped and did the old spit in the palm routine and got to work. By the time we got half way across the bay I was blowing my load into the bay like a pro. I managed to nut twice before making the return to the city, wiped my hand off on the rail and got off the boat. I walked up to North Beach and grabbed a plate of the cheapest gook food I could find.

I think it’s time to start going to SF Jacks again because although this solo thing is fun I really need a little more gayness when I jerk off.

Public Masturbation on Bikes!

January 18, 2010

Happy New Year you fucking freaks!

This has been a good two weeks and I am living up to my resolution of masturbating every day for an entire year, sometimes multiple times in a day.

Earlier last week, my friend Jason Meggs and I went out biking around the city looking for good places to jerk off in public. He does it all the time but this would be a first for me. He has been trying to get my on a bike for a while now and I was finally up for it after he brought me a pair of bike shorts and some lube as a belated Christmas present.

We began out trip by riding to Zeitgeist over on Valencia for some liquid courage (like I need that to jerk it in public). We locked out bikes up and went in for a while and has a few pilsners. We decided to ridw down Market into the Castro since blowing a load on the sidewalk is almost expected in that neighborhood. Let me take this time to state that I am not gay in any way. I just like a little gayness when I jerk off.

We rode to the Safeway and stopped at the corner across from where my favorite restaurant in all of SF used to be – Mecca. I am bummed that they closed because I loved going there. Anyway we started to jerk off in unison facing Mecca (hah hah) and both blew our loads in less than a minute. We had pre-lubed out riding shorts with Anal-eze and were already sporting chubbies so it was easy to rub one out in just a few strokes.

After wiping our cocks on the bus stop wall we continued on towards Noe Valley but got sidetracked and went in to 440. That place is always full of burly sports fans and they make me feel welcome whenever I stop by. One thing led to another and this big chick started to give me a reacharound when I was ordering a pint. This got me going again and the guys started cheering me on to whip out my cock for her so I did and got a FUCKING BLOW JOB right at the bar!. Jason was just standing there with his hand in his shorts and staring in disbelief as I got my cock sucked by this big chick and the next thing I know he has it out and blows a load on her head from behind. The guys in the bar were hooting and hollaring and I think the big chick really liked it. She wouldn’t let go of my dick even though I was starting to shrivel. I got her number and am going to hook up with her again later in the week.

So far so good. I am finally catching up on my sleep now that it’s sunday. Not going out tonight though I am going to jerk off in the window and blow a load on the sidewalk next to the front entry.

I love doing that.

Later,

Mitch

Happy New Year Everyone!

January 2, 2010

Just a quick note before I go out on the town.

Last night, New Years Eve, was a little out of control. I can’t go into details right now because of legal reasons but lets just say that fucking dude in the dress won’t be trying to give anyone a reach around in the near future.

I am going down to the Twin Peaks Tavern to drink a few down and see if I can shake this fucking hangover that I have had all day. I am never drinking silk panties again. That’s a drink not really panties for you ignorant ones.

And last, my new years resolution is to masturbate at least once a day, every day, all year. So far I am on track to keep this resolution even though it is only day 1. I jerked off on my balcony this morning as people were walking down the sidewalk. I tried to blow a load on this dude as he rode by on a bike but I didn’t lead him enough and I just hit the sidewalk and the hood of a car.

Off to the tavern. Blow a load and tell me about it – I appreciate your comments.

Happy Fucking New Years!

December 31, 2009

It’s that time of year again and I am ready to party!

Not sure what all my plans are going to be tonight but I am going out and will be slaying some pussy and you can bet on that.

I am meeting some friends for drinks at some bar called the Hole in the Wall. Never been there but Bruce said that it’s a cool place to hang out. After I get a few in me I’ll go out hunting some poon. If anyone has any good suggestions on places to go please let me know because for some reason the bitches haven’t been out on the town much. I don’t know if it’s the economy or they don’t like the rain but it’s been DRY if you know what I mean. The only thing wet has been my palm with a big dollop of Anal Ease.

Speaking of masturbation, I had a great session on the J-Church the other night. I was coming home from a bar and it was late and I was one of the only ones on the train besides some dudes in the front. I was wearing some jeans so I just unzipped and started jerking it. Before I knew it I was ready to blow and left my spooge all over the seat in front of me just as I was getting to my stop. I wiped my dick on the back of the seat and zipped up.

It was a good night. Tonight should be even better.

Happy New Years to all.

Greetings Faggots!

December 23, 2009

It’s been over a month since I last blogged so let me get you all up to date.

On thanksgiving I went to a “Barack Obama Circle Jerk” party in Noe Valley. My friend Stephen held it and had told me that it was co-ed but only dudes showed up. We basically sat around and jerked off to Barack Obama giving speeches. As some of you know from my old blog I have a bit of a thing for Barack Obama when I jerk off but I wast to reiterate that I am not gay in any way shape or form. I just like a little gayness when I jerk off.

Anyway there were about twenty guys at the circle jerk and we all blew our loads onto an Obama campaign poster. Someone took a photo and I am trying to get a copy of it so I can post it here.

During the early part of december I went on a masturbation marathon and did nothing else for ten days. Unemployment rocks if you like to jerk off a lot. I started off jerking it on my couch watching old Andy Griffith shows. I even tried to jerk it to a documentary about Harvey Milk but it was too gay for me to blow a load to.

I thought it would be fun to jerk off at differnet locations around the city. My first stop was the old windmill in GG park down by ocean beach. I blew a load right on the side of the windmill and that was cool. My next stop was Pier 39. I had to do my thing there late at night when nobody was around. I tried to blow my load on a seal but couldn’t get the distance. Next up was Union Square in front of Macy’s where I met a guy sleeping in the park who jerked off with me. We both blew our loads on a photo of Gavin Newsom that was in the Guardian. From there I went down to what used to be my favorite burger joint in SF, Hot and Hunky. I can’t believe that it’s gone but I jerked off and blew a load on the doormat in honor of the great burgers they used to serve. Then I went up to Sutro Tower and blew a load on the fence. I really wanted to do it right on the tower but I couldn’t get over the fence and didn’t want to get arrested. Cops here in the city turn a blind eye to public masturbation and some cops will actually cheer you on and take pictures with their phones. This is a great city if you are into this sort of thing.

Now christmas is approaching and I am trying to decide what to buy myself. I am thinking about getting an inflatable butt plug that vibrates. Some of them have belt clips to put the bulb on your belt so strangers can give it a few squeezes when you’re on the bus or in clubs. I think that might be kind of fun.

Merry Christmas to all!

GODDAMN AM I HUNGOVER!

November 21, 2009

I woke up this morning early which is insane since I was up all FUCKING NIGHT with a bunch of hot bitches that I bought home from a bar out on 15th. I don’t know why everyone says you can’t meet chicks in the Frisco.

So I am at this bar called The Lookout that my buddy Bruce told me about. He said it was a great place to meet chicks and he was right. The place was packed with them and they were all hot and dressed like sluts. I usually don’t dance but seeing all of the tail in that place got me out on the dance floor and shaking my ass.

These four hotties came up to me and made a Mitch sandwich with a side of coleslaw and goddamn was that fun. I ended up buying them drinks all night and when 2am rolled around I was money. All four of them came over to my apartment and we partied hearty all night.

I remember trying to get them to get naked but they wouldn’t strip down past their bras and panties but they didn’t mind me getting buck naked so I whipped it out and they ate some breakfast sausage if you know what I mean.

At some point around 6am I must have fallen asleep because that’s about the last time I can remember seeing the clock. When I woke up they were all gone.

The only think I don’t understand is how I got razor burn on my thighs. Strange.

I was LIED TO!

November 11, 2009

Well I had a rude awakening the other night.

The Eagle Bar I was going to with Peter and Bruce was a FUCKING GAY BAR! NO CHICKS! MOTHERFUCKERS! They sure got a big laugh out of that after getting me buzzed before we left Peter’s house. Peter was making “Satin Panties” for us to drink before we left for the Eagle to get a buzz going so we didn’t spend too much at the bar. We walked down there from the house and I get it and order a Cosmo and start looking around and it is all DUDE! IN LEATHER! WTF?

We finished our Cosmo’s and then went to get a bite to eat at Clown Alley.

Those guys!

Later – Mitch

Happy Saturday Sexy Heteros

November 8, 2009

I am just getting ready to head out to meet some friends at a bar called the Eagle or something like that. It’s south of Market is all I know. They said I would really like it so it must be packed with hot chicks. I have been getting a lot of email from people who seem to think I’m gay and I want to say one and for all that I am not gay in any way and I have never had another mans dick in my ass.

I have had guys offer me cash if I would let them suck my dick but that doesn’t make me gay. That just makes me a good businessman.

Off to the Eagle bar.

Mitch

 

 

Blogger can suck my hairy ass!

October 13, 2009

Welcome to my new home here at wordpress. Blogger saw it necessary to block my blog as soon as I wrote anything about Barack Obama. They are a bunch of pussies over there and deserve to lose all of their customers.

This is just a short how do you do before I start blogging like a horny sailor on shore leave in Saigon.

Found a New Hobby

September 1, 2009


Sorry I haven’t posted for a while but I just haven’t been in the mood.

I’ve been in the mood to jerk off like a fiend but just not blog about it, until now!

I recently started in a new direction that will cement my spot in the heterosexual world. No more of this faggoty ass play that I got sucked into. I am now heavily into penetrating my urethra and it fucking rocks! If you haven’t tried this before, you may not know what you’re missing. Just steer clear of fish hooks, trust me.

I started with q-tips when I had a small sore in my urethra and once that healed I couldn’t stop sticking stuff up there. Here’s a pic of me with a coat hanger that I worked up there last night. I am going to try to see if I can stretch it out so I can eventually turn my dick inside out! Wouldn’t that be bitchin? Of course, I don’t know how I would get it back out but it couldn’t be too hard.

Give me some suggestion on things I can stick up there and I’ll do my best to do it and take pics.

And lastly I want to say that I AM STRAIGHT AND NOT GAY IN ANY WAY.

That is all.

Mitch

I fucked myself!

July 22, 2009


I really need to blog more than once a month but I am just too busy sleeping, drinking and jerking off to bother with it.

What have I been up to you are all wondering? I have been sitting in my apartment, watching Skinemax and eating cereal. Seriously, that is what I have been doing for the last four fucking weeks. I got laid off from my job right after the masturbate-a-thon and I have been in a funk ever since. I really haven’t gone out much because I am trying to conserve some cash. I hate that fuck of a president we have and I am not voting for him again.

On a positive note, I did finally manage to fuck myself good. And my buddy Peter was over and got a photo for me. Before you assholes start calling me a faggot this doesn’t make be a fag because it was my dick in my ass. I have never had another mans dick in my ass or mouth and I never will.

I AM STRAIGHT! I just like a little gayness when I jerk off.

I’m Back and Ready to Mount Up!

June 22, 2009


It has been a while since I posted anything and for that I have to say to you TOO FUCKING BAD!

Actually after the Jack-A-Thon I was pretty wiped out. I blew more loads in a few hours than I ever have before and it took a couple weeks to get the urge to jerk it again. And then it happened. Or didn’t happen to be more accurate.

I was so backed up after the Jack-A-Thon that I didn’t take a shit for almost two weeks and when I finally managed to work that bad boy out I was wasted. I tried bran, raisins, prunes, chopsticks, a spoon and the garden hose but nothing would make it budge. I finally gave up hope and thought I might have to actually have anal sex to stir shit up (pun intended) but I woke up one morning with a turtle head of massive proportions poking out my ass. After an explosive movement I am back to normal.

This is a photo of the last movement. I like to call it Mitch’s Last Movement in C Minor because that’s the key I was screaming in when it fianlly let loose.

Now, back to masturbating. Anyone have any good suggestions of things I can stick my dick into? And nobody better suggest peanut butter or a tub of Crisco because I have already tried both.

Later,
Mitch

Just like a walk-a-thon but with lube and tissues…

April 30, 2009


IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!!!! I am going to seriously compete this year. Last year I blew a load 12 FUCKING FEET! I have been practicing and I know I can beat that distance (pun intended) this year.


When?

  • Saturday, May 2, 2009
  • General Performers & Admission: 3:00 pm – 10:00 pm
    Longevity Competitors: 12:00 pm until the record is broken!
2009 Masturbate-a-thon Competitions
  • Longest Squirt Distance
    An area will be set up so that participants can compete for longest squirting/ejaculation distance. This will be a mixed gender event and whoever goes the fluid distance wins! This contest will be held at 7 pm.
  • Longest Time Spent Masturbating
    How long can people masturbate? Well, the current record is over 8 hours. Bend your gender expectations; that participant was 100% male. Winners will be awarded in as many gender categories as are appropriate.
  • Most Orgasms
    Multiple orgasms aren’t just for females. The Masturbate-a-Thon record for most male orgasms is 6! Of course, women are a little ahead in this game with a record of 49 orgasm in a single masturbate-a-thon event. Wow! Men, women and any other declared gender category will compete for their own multi-orgasmic titles.
  • Tag Team Fun
    This is a tag team race like you have never seen. Team members tag each other for a place change in the masturbation arena.

I AM FIRED UP AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL SATURDAY!!!!

You can get more information here!

http://www.masturbate-a-thon.com/

I am a flaming heterosexual!

February 14, 2009

That is all I wanted to say right now.

This is freaking me out!

February 13, 2009

I haven’t been able to fucking think straight today after the dream that I had last night.

I woke up in a cold sweat from a dream where I was in bed with Michelle Obama. Personally, I think she looks freakish with those teeth that burst out of her mouth and that cro-mag brow. I woke in in a panic because I am not into that look, I can tell you that. My dick was shriveled up like a button mushroom and I actually had a panic attack I think. This is not the same reaction I had a few weeks ago when I dreamt about being in bed with Barack. In that dream he wrapped his audacious lips around my dick and sucked like he was trying to get my vote for the stimulus package.

I am going to try to get myself together and make some arugula for dinner and see if I can get Jerry Gonzalez into my thoughts instead of Michelle Obama.

Football is too gay for me to watch

February 10, 2009


I’ve been thinking about how gay football is, mostly while I have been jerking off. The funny thing is that I can’t seem to blow a load to it and everyone know that I like some gayness when I jerk off.

I think the issue is that football is TOO gay, and I just like a little gayness.

The photo above illustrates this perfectly.

I am not gay!

January 19, 2009

It doesn’t matter where I woke up sunday morning, I AM NOT GAY!

That is all.

Mitch

Party Time in Frisco

January 14, 2009


Goddamn I love this city. You can go to a different party every night of the week if you want and have a great time. The only problem is that it seems to be mostly guys doing the partying during the week because chicks are never around. I guess that’s because they are lightweights and can’t handle their booze and other partyables.

So I went to Hot and Hunky for a burger on tuesday night and met these guys who were having a party at their place just down the street and they invited me over. I think they might have been artists or something because their apartment was really clean and neat. They also had a lot of blow on hand which made me think they were painters or something. I took this picture of Philip snorting coke off his room mates dick for a laugh. Artists are always doing funny stuff like that for a laugh. What didn’t make me laugh was when he sucked that dick clean. I don’t think he is gay or anything because I don’t hang out with fags but I have to admit that coke on the dick thing was a little queer.

All is all, it was a fun party. There were some other guys there who must have been riding their motorcycles because they were in full leather. It was a good party for a wednesday night.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Karl Lagerfeld is my kind of faggot

January 3, 2009

Karl Lagerfeld says animals would kill us if they could and fat people are a bigger problem than thin models:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/fashionnews/4075783/Karl-Lagerfeld-defends-fur-industry-saying-beasts-would-kill-us-if-we-didnt-kill-them.html

I couldn’t agree more. And just look at this guy. I am not queer but I would suck him off in a New York minute.

Barack is my new fixation

December 28, 2008


After no inflatable butt plugs showed up in my stockings, I decided to hit the bottle. Boozing is my favorite hobby next to jerking off and I am quite skilled in both.

After downing a good part of a fifth of Wild Turkey, I started to get my queer on and busted out the computer to look for something inspiring to blow a few loads to. The first image that caught my eye was a shot of Barack Obama and his shaved chest that was taken in Hawaii just a few days ago. I started thinking about why the fuck would the new president of the USA be shaving or waxing his chest? WTF? This is a pretty queer thing for anyone to do but the fucking president? What does this tell our enemies? It tells them that the ruler of the free world is wasting his time going to the gym and waxing his chest instead of focusing on the problems facing the world.
Then I saw the photo of Michelle Obama and it all became clear. Barack is gay! Michelle is a beard! How did I not see if before? The careful manscaping, the effeminate voice, sucking dick for crack when he was living in NYC. It was a revelation. I decided to punish myself during this session and got out the Ben Gay. Ben Gay is fantastic for putting a little twist into jerking off. First I spread a healthy amount of Ben Gay on my fist shaped buttplug and started to work it in. Goddamn! This felt like I had been in Mexico for the last month eating tacos from street carts and chugging picante sauce – talk about the hot-poops. Next I stuck my hand into the half gallon container that I store my Ben Gay in, grabbed a dallop and started jerking my cock to that goddamned queer Barack.
It was only a matter of minutes before I blew a load across the computer screen and face of our next president. I think that Barack Obama has surpassed my adoration of Jerry Gonzalez.

My favorite actor is dead

December 26, 2008

This is a sad day. I just found out John Costelloe shot himself last week. He was found in his basement in Brooklyn. John Costelloe played the greatest part ever written for any TV show, “Johnny Cakes” Witowski on The Sopranos.

Johnny Cakes and the closeted homosexual gangster Vito Spatafore (played by Joseph Gannascoli) had gay sex in every episode they were in. A fat, closeted New Jersey wop thug banging a short order cook in Vermont is great TV by any standard.

Thank you John Costelloe for your great contributions to American television. You will be missed but never forgotten.

Goddamn this is gay!

August 12, 2008

I haven’t been able to even think straight since I went to a street fair a couple weeks ago. It was called the Up Your Alley fair and I thought it was just going to be your typical street festival that are all over Frisco every weekend of the summer. I thought I was going to meet some drunk chicks and get lucky but the only chicks that were there were fat dykes. NO THANKS!

It turns out that it is a fucking queer street fair! Goddamn! I’m all for a little gayness when I jerk off but this is just over the top. Let me just say that I have never had another mans penis in my ass and I never will after seeing this. I couldn’t even get a boner over half of what I saw that day. I wish I had brought a camera but luckily for me someone else did and you can find the pictures here.

I downloaded a few of the ones that I liked to use later when I am feeling the need for a little gayness but most of what I saw was fucking disgusting. These fucking homos are out of control and sick. This isn’t something you should be doing in the street. There were little kids around who saw all of this gayness of course they were probably adopted kids of fags so they are just being indoctrinated into the “lifestyle”.

Personally, I think this is child abuse.

On the plus side I did run into some old friends from SF Jacks and they invited me to a party at their friend Phillips house up on the hill not far from that big rainbow flag at the end of Market Street. I’ll bet they were just as disgusted by what they saw at the Up Your Alley fair.

Well, off to jerk off down on the beach. It’s been a while since I used salt water and sand and for some reason I have an uncontrollable urge to masturbate. Must have been that episode of Melrose Place I watched last night.

I love taking public transit

July 1, 2008

God damn these gas prices. I just saw it for $4.77 last weekend and I am FUCKING PISSED!

To get around this problem I have been leaving my car in the garage and taking public transit around the city and it isn’t so bad. 
I took this photo on Muni while heading over to Hot and Hunky to grab a burger with some friends on sunday afternoon.

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