best goddamned news article ever

This is probably the greatest piece of news ever written. I’m going to quote my favorite parts then follow up with what I think.

“Santa Claus is coming early for lovers of artwork with engorged penises.”

YES! FUCKING A! That would be me!

“Hedric has nixed his idea of hanging a Christmas wreath with blinking lights from the phallus”

This is a shame. It is exactly what I would have done with that sweet wooden penis.

“Hedric removed the loincloth, and the statue remained exposed in his window for the next three weeks until an anonymous man lodged a complaint because the penis was at his children’s eye level.”

He should have just kicked that guy’s ass right there on the spot. What a fucking prick. They probably weren’t even his kids either.

“We have a definition of what harmful material is in the Penal Code and I don’t think this meets that standard”

Damn straight. Some people might think it’s kinda queer but when San Francisco created the Penal Code in the late 1960’s, its specific purpose was to let everyone know what they could & couldn’t do with penises, hence the name. There is no way this teak penis met the standard defined in the Penal Code.

“If anything, it is shaking up the knee-jerk reaction that the Castro is being gentrified with straight people. I just don’t think that is the case.”

There is no fucking way on god’s green earth that the motherfucking Castro would EVER be gentrified by heterosexuals. The straights would take over the bayview and hunter’s point before they would ever consider the fucking Castro. The queers have salted the earth in the Castro. Just imagine how many loads have been blown in dudes asses over the decades in that neighborhood. It boggles the mind. The Castro probably has more loads blown in dudes asses per square foot per year than any other place on earth. This is so fucking obvious it should just be tallyed up as scientific fact right now and skip the debate, send it stright to the textbook (no pun intended).

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