Archive for the ‘masturbation’ Category

OP-ED: Rectal feeding: what’s the big deal?

December 28, 2014

In over 25 years of blogging I have never written an op-ed, until now.

Although I am very happy to see rectal feeding in the news 24×7, I don’t understand why pumping someone’s ass full of hummus makes people so angry.

Rectal feeding is one of life’s great pleasures.  San Franciscans pay big money get their asses pumped full of hummus.

These “victims” should be more appreciative of the treatment they are receiving.  I’d take an ass full of hummus in a New York Minute.

Randy Rhodes – Best comedian I have ever heard!

April 1, 2014

I can’t believe I didn’t who this dude was before this week! Holy christ he is funny as shit!

This morning he was talking about global warming and how some scientific group was totally right on about how it was going to cause us all to drown if we lived anywhere near the coast. He said this scientific group was 100% correct because they had won a NOBEL PEACE PRIZE!

That right there was the punch line. Remember how those fucknuts gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize a couple weeks after he had taken office in his first term. That right there told me that the Nobel peace prize was about as accurate as a retard with a broken calculator.

Anyway, I implore you to listen to this Randy Rhodes dude. He is funny as hell in the same vein as Phil Hendrie. He actually gets people calling in and agreeing with him about these totally absurd topics. He was goin on about Obamacare and how awesome it was and some woman call in and was agreeing like she believed it all. She had to be in on the gag because nobody is that stupid.

It’s been a long time since I had a post but between you and I, I just got tired of the bar scene in Frisco and was just sitting on my ouch thinking of new ways to get off. I promise I will be a little more active here now that I am back to my normal old self.

Peace out,

Mitch

Jerking it in LA

July 20, 2010

What up my niggah’s? I’m in LA this week doing a little recon on the Hollywood scene. I used to come down here a lot when I had more time but sleeping until noon and then rubbing a dozen loads out during the course of the day doesn’t leave much time for traveling – or does it?

I jumped on a Southworst flight this morning and flew into LA. My buddy Peter who used to live in Frisco picked me up at the airport. Peter lives in a cool apartment just off Sunset next to a bar called Akbar. I thought it was a bar for Alaskan guys when I saw the sign but Peter says that they get a raging crowd every night of the week. Frisco only goes off on the weekends which makes me thing I should move down here.

We hung out at a place in Santa Monica called Roosterfish and sucked down a few cold ones. I was parched after my flight which included rubbing one out at 35,000 feet! FUCK YES! I blew my load all over the counter in the lavatory and left it there for some lucky lady. It wasn’t the first time I jerked of on a plane but it never gets old.

Peter wants to wait until midnight before we go down to Akbar. I’m drinking some strong coffee because I have a feeling that we are going to score with some chicks big time tonight. I love to bang LA bitches because they always scream like banshees when I fuck them. That’s cool with me because I love the feedback.

I’ll post more tomorrow after I wake up and let you fuckers know how I made out.

Later,

Mitch

Goddamn it’s fucking early

June 8, 2010

My fucking faggot neighbors woke me up with screaming and assfucking sounds at FIVE FUCKING AM!

What the hell is wrong with these people. I could care less if you are a faggot who needs to get some assfucking in before work but DON’T FUCKING SCREAM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHILE YOU ARE GETTING YOUR ASSHOLE REAMED OUT BY YOUR BOYFRIEND. These inconsiderate fucking people are still going at it as I post this which tells me that the little bitch taking it in the ass must be stretched out like a San Francisco city supervisor. Who the fuck can go at it for a fucking HOUR! The last bitch I tagged in the ass had me sucked dry in less than 30 seconds.

Since I am up so early I am going to try something special today. I am not going to jerk off until noon and when I do jerk off at noon, I am going to do it at the windmill in GG park. The windmill is a cool place to meet up with other guys who like to jerk off in public. I think a lot of them are homeless because they smell like decaying fecal matter and stale urine but I kind of like that smell. I like the smell of skunks too because it reminds me of good Humboldt green.

On a side note, I was out last night and saw this chick in a bar in Noe Valley and she was running around in just her bra and a short skirt!. I was getting pretty fucked up and was going to try and hit it but another dude beat me to it. It’s just as well because I would have had to buy her breakfast and drive her home and I hate that shit. I just want to blow my load and go to sleep and have them gone in the morning, hopefully without my wallet.

Helen Thomas – GTFO!

June 8, 2010

Thank god this bitter old cunt has been fired. If there was ever anyone who deserved it more it was Helen Thomas. They ought to strip her of any award she has ever won and if she has a pension, she ought to lose that too. This fucking old hag deserves to burn in hell for eternity.

Something that I haven’t heard anyone mention yet is her similarity to Herbert on Family Guy. Just wanted to say that I am the first to bring this up.

And yes, I did jerk off today. Five times. Three times onto the sidewalk below my front room window. Twice onto Bob Bechels face on the TV.

Later,

Mitch

Greetings My Frisco Bitches!

June 7, 2010

It’s been a long weekend and I was busy blowing loads all over town.

Friday morning I started my annual weekend festivities by heading over to Cafe Flore on Market and 16th and had brunch. I love the copper top tables they have because I have an erotic copper fetish. I think it started when I used to jerk off with penny rolls but that’s another story for another time.

I finished my brunch and left the cafe with a raging hardon that I knew had to be taken care of immediately. I jumped on the first Muni bus to come by and took a seat in the rear and immediately whipped out my cock and started to beat it into submission. Only after I really started getting into it did I notice a fugly gook woman watching me like she had never seen anyone jerking off on a bus before. I moved to the other side of the bus and she got the hint and turned around.

It wasn’t more than a minute or so and I blew my load all over the back of the seat in front of me, slapped my cock on the seat back to knock of the residual cum and put it back in my pants. I got off at the next exit.

This is where the photo above coming into play. I was adjusting my cock in my pants and this guy comes up to me and asks me if I want to smoke a joint so I say yeah I want to smoke a fucking joint and I follow him to an open door and up a flight of stairs to his flat. I go in and sit down on this disgusting plaid couch and he comes walking back into the room dressed in black underwear with a fat fucking joint in his hand. We light up and he tells me his name is Fred and he wants to show me something.

I think that I know where this is going and he tells me to follow him into the other room and I come through the door and he’s laying on the bed with all of these toy guns and a couple real ones. I tell him that I have to take his picture and he goes OK so I took a few. He started rubbing his dick  but the guns and the smell of the bedroom were too much for me and I had to leave. I thanked him for the joint and left.

Once I was back on the street I headed down to a corner store and bought a 40. It was friday and my whole weekend was ahead of me and I sipped that tasty malt liquor and pondered my next session. Should I blow a load in the bay or should I blow a load here in the Castro?

I’ll tell you more later.

Mitch

Obama Fooled Me Again!

May 10, 2010

So I woke up a few minutes ago with my dick in my hand and went over to the computer to find some porn to get busy with. When my screen came up it was on Drudgereport.com and I saw this bastion of masculinity and decided to look no farther for my morning encouragement. I was almost there and then I saw the pearl necklace and realized that this wasn’t a dude! I stopped immediately and read the article that it went to and goddamn if I hadn’t been fooled again! The first time this happened was when Janet Napolitano first came in to the news.

WTF is it with Obama and these burly women who look like dudes? I mean seriously? These women that Obama appoints all look like fucking Charles Bronson if you ask me.

And that gives me a good idea who to jerk off to this morning. Charles Bronson get ready for a load of Mitch!

Later,

Mitch

UPDATE: After jerking it twice to Charles Bronson in Chato’s Land I went back to the photo of the “man” above and managed to rub one out without too much trouble. I am going to try it again before I go out tonight and may go with the jar of peanut butter method and see how that works. I don’t think I’ll bother with using any more of Obama’s manlike appointments to jerk it to unless Rahm comes up by accident. He’s actually a little too effeminate for me.

Bob Beckel is my New Cum Target

May 6, 2010

Bob Beckel, my masturbatory obsession

Bob Beckel is my new obsession. I don’t know where this pudgy teddy bear has been all my life but I know about him now. I spent most of the night jerking it to pictures of Bob Beckel and I am going to spend all day doing the same. Something about this guy just gives me a boner and I have to stop whenever I’m doing, lube up my cock and go to town.

I love his voice. I love his chubby looks. I love his lips that I would happily insert my cock into. I am not gay and letting Bob Beckel suck my dick doesn’t make me gay so fuck you haters. I just think Bob would look even better with loads of my cum splattered across his chubby cheeks.

Call me Bob, I will be waiting.

Later,

Mitch

Blowing Loads on Mexican Protesters

May 1, 2010

Today is the big Mexican immigration protests that are supposed to be going on around the country and I am ready to do my part. I am in LA visiting some old friends from SF Jacks and they live right where the big LA protest marchers are supposed to gather.

Yes, you know where I am going with this. We are going to hang out on the roofs, jerk off and blow our loads on the protesters. If they want to live here so bad then they can take a sperm shower courtesy of ME and my friends.

This is a large movement in the US and there will be thousands of guys jerking off on these Mexicans today all over the country. I am so sick of these little fucks demanding their rights as illegal immigrants that I am ready to fucking puke. No make that ready to blow my load on their heads.

Go pick my corn and STFU you mexican bastards. Get ready for your cum shower assholes.

Later,

Mitch

UPDATE!!!!

Just wanted to let everyone know that it was a VERY successful day of gravity enabled cumshots. There were about 20 of us on the roof and though there weren’t that many mexicans out protesting where we were at in LA we managed to blow loads on at least 50 of those ungrateful fuckers. All in all it was a great day and I made a lot of new buddies.

Immigration and Masturbation

April 29, 2010

Having lived in San Francisco for over ten years I would like to say that this city can suck the shit directly from my ass.

I say this because of the fucking retards in city government in this city that are screaming to boycott Arizona because of the AZ immigration bill. AZ should be able to do anything they want to protect their citizens and Gavin Newsom and his retarded board of supervisors need to STFU! If they felt so bad for the poor illegals, they should offer to take all 440,000 of the illegals in AZ and set them up in SF but I don’t see them doing that, do you? They are a bunch of hypocrites, losers and cocksuckers. Literally. Half the board of supervisors spend most of their free time sucking dick and taking it up the ass. I know this because a lot of them frequent SF Jacks and do a lot of their cocksucking and assfucking on the premises. It used to be a cool place to hang out and jerk off but once these fucking political scumbags started hanging out it totally ruined the scene. It’s one thing if someone wants to give you a reacharound because they want to get you off that’s one thing but doing it just to get your vote is sleazy and lurid.

Go AZ and kick those fucking spics back across the border into Mexico. They’re ruining this country almost as bad as the SF board of supervisors and Gavin Newsom.

I think I’m going to go and blow a load on the steps of City Hall tonight.

This Toy Ball is MINE!

April 26, 2010

I am as straight as the next guy here in Frisco but I do like a little gayness when I jerk off as my regular readers know. This brings me to today’s post.

Being unemployed has it’s perks especially in the entitlement heavy enclave of Frisco. This environment not only allows me to sleep in every day of the week but also allows me plenty of time to jerk off and train my asshole to accept large objects. Thank you San Francisco!

I’ve been working on this damn ball for weeks now and finally managed to get it up my ass this morning. Thank god I had a camera handy to record this occasion. It took a lot of crisco and a combination of photos of Jerry Gonzalez and internet gay porn to get this past my tight sphincter. Well, it was tight at one time and now it’s getting as loose as Barney Franks ass I would think. Anyway, I got this damn ball up there and am now working on getting it out. I know it will just come shooting out like a ping pong ball from a Thai hookers pussy eventually and I am just enjoying the stretched feeling it’s been giving me for the last few hours.

This accomplishment calls for a celebration so after I get it out I am headed over to Jason’s place and we’re riing out bikes down to the Castro for some food and drinks.

Goddamn what happened to this year?

March 31, 2010

First off I want to reiterate that I am not GAY in any way. You horny bastards who keep writing me and requesting that I stick my cock in your ass or open up my ass for your cock are FUCKING NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING FROM ME!

Now that I have that out of the way I just want to let everyone know what I have been doing for the last few weeks. I have been practicing for the Masturbate-a-Thon. After a poor showing last year – I blew my load much sooner than I wanted, I am in serious training.

Part of my training consists of watching Andy Griffith re-runs and switching to porn during the commercials. I try to rub one out during the commercial time and when I am just about to blow my load I switch back to Andy Griffith and slowly jerk off until the next commercial.I think that this will give me an edge except I have to be careful when there is an episode with Floyd the Barber because he gets my juices flowing if you know what I mean.

I have also been spending a lot of time in Golden Gate Park and jerking off with guys who are also training. We have a good understanding and nobody crosses the line even when we are drinking. I try to blow at least two loads in the park every day.

Speaking of blowing loads in the park, I am late for my morning training.

Later,

Mitch

This is My Waterloo

February 5, 2010

As most of you know, I can blow a load just walking on a slanted sidewalk but I have met my match. This fucking beast has been the only thing that has ever made my cock go as limp as an overcooked piece of angel hair pasta.

I watched Jersey Shore or whatever the fuck it’s called over at a friends house and they dared me to rub one out to this Snookie beast. Always one for a challenge I took the bet and put some money on it figuring it would be an easy five bucks. No sooner than I started to whip out my dick it became obvious that this wasn’t going to be happening. My fucking cock decided to play turtle on me and disappeared into it’s © groincave and wouldn’t come out for anything.

I’d sooner fuck a stray dog with rabies than this Snookie beast.

Fuck me!

This makes my dick hard

September 5, 2007


Just because this gives me a hard on it doesn’t mean I’m gay.