November 21, 2005
I’m totally gonna go see that new movie “Bareback Mountain.” It is about two heterosexual cowboys who enjoy masterbating together while camping in the mountains. I am not kidding. This movie rocks. Can you believe a movie this cool is even being made?
This film will go a long way toward removing the negative stereotypes of people who are 100% straight like me yet enjoy jerking off to thoughts of men. I’ve heard there are a few anal sex scenes between the two men on the poster that takes place in a tent. Some people might consider that queer but whatever, they are shown inside the sleeping bag in every sex scene so it’s not that big of a deal since nothing is exposed. In other words, it’s OK to take your kids to see it.
“Bareback Mountain” looks like one hell of a movie and I can’t wait ’till it comes out.
October 16, 2005
Just wanted to show everyone this pumpkin I carved the other day. I was boozed up like a sailor in heat and just look at this piece of art I produced with my own two hands…almost as good as the masturbatory orgasms these same two hands squeeze off day in and day out. You’re all a bunch of bitches and I am not queer.
Here it is:
October 15, 2005
Just in case you’re interested, here’s what my dick looks like:
August 17, 2005
I am not gay and to prove it I will make love to Cindy Sheehan wile Michael Moore films us doing the deed. Then maybe people will know I am serious when I say that I am not gay and do not take it up the ass in any way.
I enjoyed a very hetero night last night with myself.
August 1, 2005
This guy gave me a total fuckin hard on:
July 27, 2005
Greetings folks, I just wanted you all to know that this morning I masterbated my penis to orgasm and didn’t think about a woman once! This does not mean I am queer because I would never have my bare dick anywhere near a man and I must say it is TOTALLY STRAIGHT to think of men while jerking off. Just like how thinking about stealing does not make you a thief, thinking about men while jerking off does not make you a homo.
Just wanted to clear that up for all you good people.
P.S. Here is the photo I was jerking it to:
July 17, 2005
…and I’ve never jerked off to a fat woman. I like skinny women with hairy arms and small asses.
July 16, 2005
Any of you hoodrat bitches out there like to take it frisco style? It’s the best shit you’ll ever have. It’s better than shoving pancakes up your ass. Dig it.
June 16, 2005
Make one peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Put the sandwich between the mattress and the box spring of your bed. Stick your dick into the sandwich and hump away! Just an FYI, I also prefer homosexual fantasies when plowing a sandwich to shreds like when touching myself.
May 26, 2005
I just can’t understand how someone could go queer when it’s a proven fact that your ass will leak if you take it day after day for decades on end. It’s one reason why you’ll find Depends in almost every homosexual household.
Fuck these people. I could never live like that. Goddamn homos are screwing it up for everybody.
June 18, 2003
Wow! I discovered a great new way to blow a load hands free.
You need a electric blender to start with.
Heat up a couple of cans of pumpkin soup but don’t add any water or anything.
Once the soup is warm pour in the blendor.
Stick your dick in the blendor and turn it on.
Wa la! Hot soup swirling around your dick and before long you blow a load. The soup can be reused for dozens of sessions and it only gets better the more jizz you get in the mix.
I think I am going to write a book.
November 19, 2002
First let me say that I am straight and not gay at all. Gay sex is for animals and I am not into that but I do like to think about it while I jerk off.
My favorite booze is anything I can get my hands on. Often times I find myself out of booze so I have to make do. On those times I have drank Listerine and scope with good results though the hangovers last for days. One way to deal with these multiple day hangovers is to just keep drinking, and this works for me. Pourable cheese products will work good too.
Masturbating while drunk is awesome. Occasionally I will draw a face on my hand an pretend that it is Matt Damon or some hot actor. I am straight though and I don’t want anyone to think I am a fag or something like that because I am not. Fags are gross and should be banished to some desert island or something. Anyway masturbating while I am drunk is the bomb. One time I accidentally thought about Oprah while I was masturbating and I almost got sick but that might have been the booze.
December 25, 2000
My name is Mitch Haase and I am not gay. Just wanted you all to know that I am not queer and do not take it up the ass in any way.
I started this blog to set the record straight. I am as straight as Tom Cruise.
There will be more to come when I feel like writing. Right now I’ve got a cocktail to drink.